Overcoming Insecurity in Dating
Insecurity is a common place for most women. Comparison, false self-images, and fear of not being enough can easily get inside of a relationship. We can thank the consumerist society that we live in for these feelings of insecurity. In today’s world we are given the green light to compare and search for the best option. There are thousands of websites with the same merchandise yet we search each one until we find the best price, and the best product. We look through pinterest, tumblr, and Instagram at the thousands of beautiful things, wishing we looked, baked, acted, traveled, and took pictures like those people that fill our newfeeds. Consumerism has spread to another aspect of our lives as well. Men are fed with images left and right of perfect people. Victoria Secret forces any bystander to look at their half-naked models posted up in their windows, pornography entices men (and women) to watch fake people having a false image of sex, and women walk down the street with everything but their dignity hanging out. We have created a generation of consumers. Men are given so many women to look at, how can a modestly dressed Christian girl even compete?
“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” (Proverbs 31:30).
This is a question that I often ask myself. My boyfriend (Rhett) lives in a world where sex runs advertisements, internet campaigns, and women’s self-esteem. He is constantly bombarded with images and real women forcing their bodies into his line of sight. God has wired these men to be creatures of physicality; it’s no surprise why they are an easy target in this sinful world. Insecurity in relationships can often stem from the worry and anxiety that comes with not being enough. Personally, this has been a struggle for me in my one year of dating. As a Christian woman it has been a challenge to walk down the street with my boyfriend and see the other women dressed the way they are. I try to avoid certain places or situations knowing that the girls there will be dress scandalously. I tell myself it’s to keep him from stumbling, but if I’m being honest with myself it stems from insecurity. Why would I want my boyfriend to be in a place where comparison and consumerism can strike? I’m afraid that I won’t measure up, and I won’t be enough for him.
This ongoing battle is a common concern for dating women. Those images and women that I talked about above being a stumbling block for our boyfriends, are also a stumbling block for us. They can cause a who new type of insecurity. We can find ourselves comparing ourselves to those women, wishing we looked the way they did, or had the same worldly appeal that they do. This is a time when the devil begins to use comparison and insecurity as a way to get into our heads and feed us lies. These lies dismantle our value, cause us to question our worth, and begin the process of negative self-talk. Insecurity has the ability of destroying relationships. Through this process of dating my God-fearing man, I have tried to combat insecurity the most effective way I know how. But it’s a process, I am still learning how to remove the lies that the devil feeds.
“We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” (2 Corinthians 10:5, New International Version).
Don’t Let Your Identity Be Your Boyfriend
Rhett is one of the most affirming people that I know. I never have to question what he is thinking or how he views me. He constantly feeds me with encouragement and words of affirmation, highlighting things about me that he appreciates. But these words are not enough to combat the lies of the enemy. Rhett is not God, and he does not have the ability to heal wounds and past hurts. If my identity is in Rhett, then my certainty in myself and in God will fluctuate. Rhett is human and he has insecurities and problems just like I do. The best way to overcome insecurity in a relationship is letting your identity and hope be in Jesus.
Know What the Word of God Says About You
It is essential that you understand what the word of God says about you. It can be so easy to get caught up in craving “your beautiful” from your significant other. If you live by praise, then you will die by criticism. The word of God is truth and fact. Live your life and plant your relationship on what God says about you, not on what your boyfriend says about you.
“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” (Psalm 139:14, NIV).
I can remember times when Rhett said something that made me feel insecure or uncertain about our relationship. I would hold those words in and think about them and create a huge assumption of what he meant in my mind. The majority of the time that something offended me was because I assumed Rhett meant something that he didn’t. Don’t assume the worst, instead ask your boyfriend what he meant. I’m learning that men and women truly do think differently. We view arguments, people, sex, relationships, marriage, and everything else completely different. The best way to avoid insecurity in relationship is to be completely open and honest with each other. Don’t give the devil a foothold.